Daughter or Daughter-in-law
A Special Guest Writer!
When your children marry, are you losing a child or gaining a child?
My dear friend Amber Plooster recently experienced the joy of her son’s marriage. What follows is the letter she gifted her son’s bride with, welcoming her into the family.
Take time to reflect on your relationship with your ‘in-laws’. Are they really family? Do you treat them and love them like your own flesh and blood? What would change in your relationship if you loved them like your own?
Dear Kristie,
“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” (Song of Solomon 2:16)
It may sound strange or fictitious to hear me say this, but I have had the privilege of falling in love at first sight. I know many people do not believe in this or even think it’s possible, but I know without a doubt that I have experienced this, not just once, but three times. I knew instantly that Doug would be the love of my life, and I have also been blessed with loving my two boys. When Zach was placed in my arms 29 years ago, there was an instant sense of an overwhelming, inexplicable love for him. He’s an answer to a prayer, and I have been praying for him ever since.
I have been praying for you as well, wondering many times how there would ever be a sweet, perfect, Christian girl that would be good enough for him to spend the rest of his life with. (Yes, I know how biased and somewhat ridiculous that sounds, but it couldn’t be more true.) My dear Kristie, you are an answer to my prayers. There just aren’t many young women like you in this world today. Your heart and love for Christ shines so brightly in this dark world, and I am grateful for your many godly character traits. I know when we first met, it felt a little awkward for you because it was unexpected. I knew very quickly that there was something special about you, and that Zach felt something very special for you. Because of who you are and the visible love between the two of you, I can wholeheartedly say that I am overjoyed to welcome you into our family and to have you for a daughter. You are truly an answer to many prayers over the years.
I’m not going to lie, this wedding day will also be hard for me. I will never forget the day Zach was placed in my arms. That love at first sight has grown enormously over the years. I held his little hand and taught him to walk, picked him up when he fell off his bike, took him to the doctor when he broke his arm, rushed him to urgent care for stitches on his forehead, talked with him about his dreams, heartaches and disappointments throughout high school and college, cheered him on through the ups and downs of sports (mostly tennis), and spent hours verbally processing through problems or just discussing nothing of importance. For years he has turned to me for many things, and I have loved every moment of being there for him. I know I will forever be his mom, and my door is always open, but in a sense, you will be replacing me. As excited as I am for both of you and having you in our family, in this sense it will be a bittersweet moment for me. It will now be you he turns to and shares his dreams with, and you who his world revolves around. Please allow him to still dream. Listen as he shares his heart, while encouraging his pursuits. Protect his heart; I’m trusting you with it.
I pray you will both be allowed to share your feelings of inadequacy and encourage each other through everything you encounter in life, all while pressing into God’s presence and growing more and more like Christ.
There will be times when you may not like each other. Please be patient with one another.
When you get upset with each other is when the enemy will use that as an opportunity to creep into your marriage. When he leaves the toilet seat up for the 100th time, please know he has a big heart. When it’s all said and done, his goal will always be to make you happy. I know this because he watched his father wholeheartedly desire to make me happy for 29 years. Those times when Satan does his best to put a wedge between the two of you, fight hard to never give him a seat at your table. And know that you are not alone in this, for I will always be praying for your marriage. There is no more powerful testimony for Christ than a strong, committed, loving, joyful marriage in this world.
I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see him so happy and in love, and to see you love and respect him in return. This is every boy mom’s dream come true. I want to make you a promise. You will always be just as important to me as Zach is. You will always be the most important girl in Zach’s life which makes you very important to me. You will always be respected, loved, cherished, and welcomed by me. I have always pictured my daughter-in-law being very close to me, and I will do my very best to never overstep my boundaries and mess that up. I will probably always speak my heart because that is who I am, but it may not always be what you want to hear. Please know that when I do this it comes from a place of undeniable love and adoration for you and the marriage that you and my son are about to embark upon.
I hope you in turn will feel comfortable speaking from your heart. Although I have no expectations of being equal to your mom, I hope someday you feel comfortable calling me mom and grow to love me. That being said, I look forward to doing some of the things that mothers and daughters do together, those girly things that my sons had no interest in doing. I want you to feel that I am someone you can turn to when you need support, someone you can trust who has your best interest at heart. I will always be willing to help, not because you may need it but because life can be hard and God gave us family so He can be a constant source of help through us.
I will always be praying for your marriage.
May you keep God first individually and as a couple, loving each other sacrificially.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Mat 6:33)
“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us”. (1 John 3:16)
“May you treat each other with kindness and patience, forgiving one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:32)
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
May you always maintain healthy lines of communication and share a deep and intimate friendship.
“The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)
May you be flexible with your schedules and be willing to compromise.
“Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3)
May you both hunger for righteousness and always be ready to receive God’s word. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.”(Matt 5:6)
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
“When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son…so that we might receive adoption as sons…. So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.” (Galatians 4:4-7) I’m reminded of how our Heavenly Father adopted us and treats us no differently. Go and do likewise.
Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash