I sit on the floor, stretching my legs for the long haul. College-roommate reunions are a marathon session of conversation into the wee-hours of the night/morning. The five of us recreate the ambiance of our youthful years, but the main themes have shifted. Instead of dreaming about cute guys and cramming for finals, aging parents and adult children now dominate our worlds.
I guess that’s why they call us the ‘Sandwich Generation’. We are still parenting young-adult children, while at the same time attempting to gracefully maneuver through the aging years of our parents with honor. The similarities are endless; how to love our family without becoming a dictator, how to aid them in making their own decisions, how to help them navigate the path which will provide the best outcome for their future.
It’s a heady responsibility with little thanks. Neither our children nor our parents necessarily want us involved, yet both need us. Our young adults have frontal lobes which are not yet fully developed, leading to poor decision making and impulsive behavior. Our parents may think they think as well as they did when their frontal lobes first connected, but they may not realize how much things have changed.
So if neither really wants us involved, maybe we shouldn’t be involved? What is our responsibility to our young-adult children and our aging parents?
My mind immediately goes to Charles Sheldon’s book, “In His Steps”.
“What Would Jesus Do?” (WWJD)
Jesus would serve. Selflessly. Humbly. To the point of death.
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant.” (Philippians 2:3-7a)
If Jesus took on the form of a servant, so too should we.
With our young-adult children, we first need to distinguish between serving and enabling. While it might be fine for a child in their twenties to be living at home while completing their Master’s degree, another child of the same age without a job and taking advantage of a slothful life may best be served with a gentle nudge out the door.
We have found many different ways to serve our young adults.
-Making a home-cooked meal and delivering it at an especially busy time, such as studying for finals.
-Helping them move into their new home, paint the walls, shampoo the carpets, and unpack.
-Taking them car shopping for the first time!
-Having device-free conversations while looking them in the eye.
-Being brave enough to ask the tough questions and enter their world.
-Being a safe person to talk with.
-Being humble enough to listen to their views, even if we don’t agree.
We have found many different ways to serve our aging parents.
-Making a home-cooked meal and delivering it weekly.
-Helping them to keep their home clean by making weekly visits and cleaning without being asked. (We act like little angels; Hubby will socialize, play cards, and go through the mail and bills with his dad, while I stealthily scrub toilets, wash dishes, vacuum, and pick up the piece of toast from the floor which he is unable to bend down to reach).
-Grocery shopping.
-Accompanying them to doctor visits to have a second set of ears.
-Helping them use confusing technology.
-Filling their pill dispenser each week.
-Being brave enough to ask the tough questions and enter their world. For example: future living arrangements, estate plans, and funeral desires.
-Being humble enough to honor their desires for the future, even if you don’t agree.
As I attempt to love my kiddos through acts of service, I hope to keep an open door to their lives which helps them to know I love them, no matter what.
As we love our aging parents through these twilight years, I hope they feel comfort in knowing they are not alone and are unconditionally loved.
I came home from my college-roommate reunion exhausted. The topics were weighty. We are each sandwiched between two generations who need us. I once naively thought this stage of my life would be a time to finally focus on me. Empty nesters. Just Hubby and me. Fun vacations. No additional responsibilities.
What a selfish thought.
Instead, I will choose to pour out love on those around me.
The next Sandwich Generation is watching.