Why I Chose Not to Believe in Jesus
Illogical Logic
I stared out the kitchen window of the rented house, wrists deep in hot, sudsy water. The chore chart one of my college roommates put together had scheduled me for dishes on Thursdays - the worst night of the week for dishes. My old cassette player sat on the counter belting out Amy Grant’s voice.
“Sing your praise to the Lord. Come on everybody, stand up and sing one more, ‘Hallelujah!’”
My voice joined Amy’s. My heart was filled with joy as I rinsed the last dish. I thought of my younger sister still at home, now a freshman in high school. She had lovingly, painstakingly, recorded a compilation of contemporary Christian songs onto a cassette tape for her unbelieving sister. My sister was growing up in a Christian home. Even though we had the same parents who were still married to each other, I didn’t grow up in a Christian home. Dad was saved when I was thirteen.
I knew my family was at home praying for me daily. Over the past seven years, Dad had dragged me to church, forced me to sit at the dining room table for family devotions, and shared the Gospel with me. I knew they all thought I was going to hell, but quite honestly, I just didn’t care. What Dad said made sense. My scientific brain would cycle through creation. Which came first, the baby or the mom? Well, a baby can’t just come into existence, and if a baby was just created or evolved, we all know how easily they will die if not taken care of, so the mom must have been created first. But if the mom was created first, then who created the mom? Who was that first mom? My twenty-year old brain would get stuck here. Eve? Sure. Okay. But that would mean God created Eve, and if God created Eve, then there must be a God.
Attempting to rid my brain of these imposing thoughts, I shook my head and dried off my hands. My roommates were getting ready for a night out on the town, so I plugged in my curling iron and pulled out my hot-pink lipstick. If there was a God, he certainly wouldn’t want me going out partying on Thursday nights at this suitcase college where most people went home on the weekends. Following God would impose moral restrictions on my life. I didn’t want any restrictions on my life; I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do, regardless of the consequences. I was not alone.
“I had motives for not wanting the world to have a meaning…The philosopher who finds no meaning in the world…is also concerned to prove that there is no valid reason why he personally should not do as he wants to do. For myself, as no doubt for most of my friends, the philosophy of meaninglessness was essentially an instrument of liberation from a certain system of morality. We objected to the morality because it interfered with our sexual freedom. The supporters of this system claimed that it embodied the meaning - the Christian meaning, they insisted - of the world. There was one admirably simple method of confuting these people and justifying ourselves in our erotic revolt: we would deny that the world had any meaning whatever.” -Alduous Huxley, Ends and Means
I ‘knew’, of course, that the Christian life was not a fun life. I watched Dad morph from a beer-drinking, cigar-smoking, sports-party host, to a church-attending, Bible-reading, Jesus-loving man. From my teenage perspective, he had a lot more fun drinking beer.
But I didn’t realize the bondage I was in. Pursuing self-actualization should have set me free. If my physical needs were met, and I was safe, and loved, and belonged, and confident, then I should be happy, right? But I wasn’t. Chains entangled me as I gazed over my self-made wall of sin. How to free myself? “Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? “ (Romans 7:24)
So I wrestled and fought. Fifteen years of Mom and Dad on their knees. I picture Mom petitioning her Bible study ladies to pray for her prodigal daughter. I picture Dad, plagued with regret over his years of denying Jesus Christ as Lord, knowing the potential impact it was having on his daughter. I remember the seeds planted; articles sent, cassette tapes played over and over, prayers offered, grace upon grace heaped upon me.
It wasn’t an overnight awakening. It was a slow, hard wrestling; but my ladder was gifted to me. I couldn’t free myself, but Jesus could, and He did.
I now look around me and see so many, like my unborn self, struggling. I see frantic families feeling helpless as they stare at their loved ones in the pit, unable to reach them. My encouragement? Don’t stop praying. Don’t stop loving. Don’t stop believing. Always speak the truth in love. In His timing, our great God will redeem from the pit those who belong to Him.
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is withing me, bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits,
Who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
Who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.”
(Psalm 103:1-5)
Great article, Mark!! I think many of us who were saved later in life have a similar story. We chose the darkness over the light from fear our deeds would be exposed. Yet our great God is sovereign and has written my story with a purpose. I am called to share, praying others will come to the Light. For further pondering, see "My Deep Regret" on my Pursuing Perfection site, from November 12, 2023. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Tessa. I was intrigued when I read the title of your article. I wrote an article with a similar title on Medium.com several years ago: "The One and Only Reason People Choose Not to Follow Jesus." https://medium.com/koinonia/the-one-and-only-reason-people-choose-not-to-follow-jesus-6edebd724380. Even though I've not published a story there for several years, this article has received more hits and reads than anything else I've ever written. I still get weekly reports from Medium of the activity on my page, and this article consistently is viewed and read by between 50 and 100 people every week. It's the title, I'm sure. Folks probably read it to test my hypothesis with their own experience. And your article confirms the hypothesis: People choose not to follow Jesus because they prefer their lifestyle over the lifestyle Jesus exemplifies. They don’t want to give up their sin. Thank you for your honest testimony!